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Trauma on the Silver Screen

10/27/2014

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When you Unravel the Trauma Story You Understand the Addiction/Behavioral Story and you can Create the Recovery Story

Trauma is visceral, Sensory, cellular. It’s a Soul Wound that impacts the very core of who we are, what we believe about the world and our place in it. We experience trauma with all of our senses; taste, touch, sound, sight, smell and our 6th sense, intuition. In this last month I gave myself the gift of watching almost all of the Academy Award nominated movies and I had the most extraordinary revelation. Everyone one of those beautifully made, emotionally driven movies were about trauma in the lives of both ordinary and extraordinary people. The effects of these stories impacted generations and their message, pain, sorrow and triumph are universal, which is why we are so drawn to movies, theater, music and art. Those gifts of the visceral, sensory, cellular reach to the center of our Soul.

The Dallas Buyers Club brought me back to the horror of the Aids epidemic in its earliest days. Desperation and despair walked with bigotry and hatred and the gay community suffered immensely as death and dying ensued. Many, many of my friends and their families continue to experience the pain several generations later and as the LGBT community continues to fight hatred and bigotry we can re-experience and remember through this masterpiece of a film and celebrate the ability of young men and women coming out of the shadows with less fear. The Butler, 12 Years a Slave and Mandela provided that same emotional catharsis for the victims of slavery, segregation, Aparteid and hatred. Through the intergenerational trauma created through more then 5 generations we can have clarity and a safe place to re-visit the reality of what is inflicted by humans on each other. When we consider even the most benign or loving experiences in our life, every experience we have in a lifetime is imprinted on our senses, on our Spirit, on our Soul and trauma events have a huge and lasting impression on the viscera.

Understanding the signs and symptoms of PTSD is understanding this concept. Trauma survivors experience flashbacks, dreams and disturbed sleep, dissociation, body memory, somatic issues and a diminished sense of self, low self esteem, despair, hopelessness and a myriad of other sensory symptoms. The movie Philomena is a riveting example of how those flashbacks and memories remain in our viscera for decades as she attempts to find her illegitimate son who was torn from her and sold for adoption by the Catholic Church. The long held secret affected Philomena’s relationships with her daughter and husband and impacted her vision of herself. She had lived in trauma shame for decades. In her search for her son came trauma resolution even so many decades later.

Healing trauma must be visceral, sensory, cellular and must heal the Soul. At The Refuge we utilize experiential, sensory and somatic modalities which are incredibly effective in processing trauma resolution. Trauma healing is a process of pendulation…going into the trauma story, experience some of it, coming out and building more resources, going back in deeper each time and then building more resources. By utilizing Cinema therapy and other experiential, sensory modalities the trauma survivor is provided a safe distance to process and yet a very cellular experience that can help to bring a catharsis and resolution. Experiential therapies create the environment for this process, for instance psychodrama becomes a safe vehicle for engaging in observation of a trauma event. Amazing healing happens in this process. Peter Levine’s modal of Somatic Experience is a modality that we use, as well, as hypnosis, DBT, EMDR, art and music therapy, grief work, equine and adventure therapy. Of absolute importance in trauma work is for clinicians to recognize that substance and process addictions and self harming behaviors are coping mechanisms that are often created by trauma events. Our staff are trained in all of these modalities as well as having several Certified Sex Addiction Therapists and Eating Disorder Therapists. Everyone is trained in trauma and addictions.

OCD, ADHD, anxiety and depression can all be a result of a trauma history that is never explored. The questions are often not asked…. When did you start having OCD behaviors or when were you diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression…? With just that question we can discover the next question…So what happened when you were 7years old? Or what was going on in your life? Too often clients come to us on many medications with a list of diagnosis but no one has asked those important questions. We ask the questions. We’re not afraid of the questions or the answers. When we can assist our clients in understanding that their behaviors make sense as a result of the trauma history it is the answer to a puzzle they have been struggling with for a long time. We know this: When you Unravel the Trauma Story The behaviors all make sense… Clearly our cinematic industry recognizes this very important truth as we see this playing out on the “big screen” in living color. A heroes journey through the pain to triumph and purpose. When you can give this gift to clients, healing takes place; clients can move from shame, guilt and remorse to healing the Soul Wound and becoming the person they are meant to be.

Blessings, Judy

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I was leaving Sedona...

6/19/2014

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I was leaving Sedona, not on a fast train, but on a 10 passenger shuttle to the Phoenix airport and as I entered I realized what bad planning I had created. This was a 2 hour ride and the seats were filled from other hotels and 3 people including myself who were in a really peaceful, spiritual place after a 5 day retreat.

I thought, “Well, I’ll meditate down the mountain, these people won’t talk to each other.”

Then I heard some whispering from a yoga teacher from Atlanta that I had spent time with and within 15 minutes everyone in the shuttle had joined the conversation.

The woman sitting next to me was a trauma therapist. We started chatting about our experiences and before you know it, we had the life story of the young man sitting next to me and several other folks on the bus. The young man’s father had been a Vietnam Vet, had anger and silence issues and now health issues…hmmm!

Everyone experiences Life events that can easily be classified as trauma. Most people don’t get the help they need to have resolution and ultimately generational trauma continues unabated.

What I know is if I strike up a conversation anytime we will end up talking about these life events, whether I am on a Shuttle from Sedona or on a first class flight; whether a billionaire or a welfare recipient, trauma affects most people in the world and we are behind the curve in trying to heal all those who need our help.

I was blessed to attend that workshop in Sedona with Spiritual giant Depak Chopra and the extraordinary Jean Houston. The workshop , Summoning the Sacred, delved into Archetypes which are concentrations of energy that exist in the collective consciousness as we know from studying Karl Jung. Many of us relate to certain Gods or Goddesses, historical figures or other heroes in our everyday life. My mentor was Phyliss Michelfelder, an amazing clinician and woman’s advocate and one of my Archetypes. She played a huge part in the kind of clinician, CEO and woman that I became.

We moved on to the Hero’s Journey created by Joseph Campbell; he recognized that most movies, stories and lives have the elements of the Hero’s Journey.

The elements of the hero’s inner journey are suspiciously close to the journey of the trauma victim to survivor to thriver.

1. Limited awareness of problem

2. Increased awareness for the need for change

3. Fear and resistance to change

4. Overcoming fear

5. Committing to change

6. Experimenting with new conditions

7. Preparing for major change

8. Big change with feeling for life and death

9. Accepting consequences of new life

10. New challenge and redirection

11. Final attempt(s) last minute dangers

12. Mastery

Throughout this process folks who have experienced the challenges of life (traumas) continue to tell their story in many different ways, whether verbally, through art, psychodrama, music, group process, Somatic experience, an equine or adventure therapy process. Ultimately, we become the masters of our story, the story is no longer our master.

During our time with Depak Chopra and Jean Houston we meditated, did yoga twice a day and sat with them as they took us through many experiential activities.

At the beginning of Meditation we asked:

Who am I ?

What do I really want, what is my heart’s desire?

What am I grateful for?

For trauma survivors that process begins at The Refuge almost immediately with the important first assignments, for on some level most people are asking those questions. Most of our clients come to us in such enormous pain, fear, sadness and turmoil and have recognized that they need help to unravel the trauma story in order to live without the pain. They come to The Refuge with hope, even the smallest amount of hope can grow to a huge presence with the support of professionals who have seen thousands of Miracles walk through our doors.

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Physician Heal Yourself

5/14/2014

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It feels like I have lived on an airplane for the last 2 months. I know that’s a real issue when the TSA folks greet me with, “Hello Ms. Crane, I love the new color you have added to your hair.” I have added a strip of pink….ok so I seek attention!! And yes when TSA recognizes you ,you are either on the watch list or you are traveling too much. I have had conferences, workshops, Intensives and Trauma training's and am blessed to travel this country and several others abroad.

I have a rule that I don’t talk about what I do…As soon as someone discovers I’m a therapist the flight is spent on a “family” member who is struggling, and I find myself immersed in a therapeutic session. Heaven forbid that anyone discovers I’m a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist because folks are amazingly transparent and tell their deepest, darkest secrets. So I usually don’t share my CV. However, for some reason my seat mates have been very open and have spoken about themselves, their families and friends that they are so very concerned about.

What rings true is the amount of pain and trauma that people are experiencing regardless of First class, Business or Economy; regardless of city, state or country, ethnicity or religion; life experiences are Universal.

There have been several experiences of my seat mate sharing about a dear friend or family member who was struggling with substance abuse and relationship issues and they were so clear that their friend was a really good person and had terrible abuse or painful episodes in their lives. When I was able to explain the power of trauma and PTSD in causing chronic relapse these folks were surprised AND grateful.

I love clinicians and folks who work in our field. When I speak I always ask , “How many of you work with trauma?” Most people raise their hand and I feel so good that our industry has acknowledged the importance of trauma treatment.

The second question I ask is, ” How many of you are trained In trauma treatment?” And most folks raise their hands and share that they have been trained in EMDR, DBT, CBT or another powerful modality. So I ask, how many of you understand sex addiction, eating disorders, self-harm because all of those diagnosis are created by trauma. I challenge clinicians to fill their tool box with Somatic Experience, Psychodrama, hypnosis and a multitude of other experiential and body centered modalities as well as in depth understanding of Process addictions.

If you are working with trauma you must understand sex addiction, relationship addictions, eating disorders and self-harm. Sexual, emotional and physical abuse are at the core of those diagnosis.

Finally the last question I ask is how many of you have done your own work? Most raise their hand, and I challenge that. My presentations are visceral, sensory and cellular just as trauma is….after those presentations it becomes very clear that many folks in the audience need more and deeper personal work.

I believe we have an ethical responsibility to do our own trauma work, that we must be willing to go to those places that we lead our clients into. Many clinicians come to The Refuge to do trauma work because although they may be sober a long time, they have become emotionally vulnerable and often have suicidal ideation or are in the shadow of burn out.

It is the greatest gift that you can give yourself and your clients, as well as your family.

I was recently in Searcy, Arkansas training the very talented clinical staff of Capstone, an exceptional male adolescent treatment program. When we train therapist in our model of Trauma treatment every participant becomes a client initially, sharing their life experiences and completing all of the exercises, experientials and process groups that we expect of our clients.

I just returned from London where there were clinicians from all over the world who are ready to do their trauma training knowing that they must heal themselves. And finally we have trained in CapeTown. The common denominator is that as a result of training, clinicians immediately do treatment in an intense experiential and more powerful way and they Heal. It doesn’t matter what history each country has there is commonality of trauma issues throughout this very big and amazing world.

What becomes very clear is the level of pain created by unhealthy or non-existent attachment, abandonment and neglect and abuse of any type. The messages that those “little t” traumas create driving the voices in our head that repeat, “I’m not good enough” or “it is my fault” or “I will always fail” or “I deserve to be abused”.

Every therapist completes a trauma egg which identify the layers and patterns of trauma and negative life experiences. There is power for therapists to share in a safe setting with other therapists, often we are intervening or identifying secondary trauma which is sitting on our hearts.

We see:

Adoption
Divorce
Abandonment & neglect
Abuse of every kind
Fires
Accidents
Medical issues
Mental illness in the family
Death of family members
Substance abuse in the family
Multiple moves
Bullying

The list is long and has different effects on everyone. I am always so proud and excited for everyone who works toward trauma resolution because life changes. There can be extraordinary freedom for individuals and families, our lives begin to make sense and our choices change, life can become juicier.

I shout from the rooftops: IF YOU WORK IN THIS INDUSTRY OR ARE A FIRST RESPONDER, ER DOCTOR OR NURSE, IF YOU ARE A POLICE OFFICER…. please tell your story to a qualified trauma therapist and find resolution because every day that you continue in your career you are adding multiple new layers of trauma and your Soul needs healing!

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The Great I Am...

4/21/2014

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Today I read a post on Facebook from someone who finds joy and motivation in the writings of Joel Osteen:

“GOD is called the Great I Am, not the great I will be. He wants to show you HIS favor today.”

I am not espousing a religion or a faith but I am inviting the possibility that WE can take heed of this message. So much of our lives and the lives of our clients are spent in preparation for the “perfect” WHEN.

When I find the time; When I’m not depressed; When my family loves me; When I lose weight; When I have the right job, situation, home, spouse; When everything is perfect, then I will be “the great I am”. Then I will have my Life.

So many of the “moments” of our life have been given to pain, sorrow, hurt, sadness, fear and regret; we turn around and it is a year later, or five years later or twenty years later and life is speeding by and “moments” have eluded us.

I often speak to groups of clinicians and professionals and clients and families about TRAUMA. Really, about life events and messages that have prevented us from truly being present in our “moments”; that one, and this one and the next one. Traumatic events have robbed us of being Mindful in the “moments” of our lives.

Today a group of amazing clinicians and I were able to share about the Intergenerational trauma that so many of us have experienced and the many ways in which we live in the mystery of our family history. I have been blessed to be able to Unravel some of our family history and to more fully understand the many elements of that history that have created my core messages and coping mechanisms and ruled my life for such a longtime. It can be a painful and difficult task to ask the questions of my Mother and Aunt and siblings about their memory and perceptions of our family history but so many pieces of my personal puzzle have fallen into place as a result and important changes in my life have taken the place of faulty core beliefs.

For instance, at 50 years old I finally realized that I was a beautiful, bright, talented and gifted woman. My granddaughter at 8 years old, asked me what took me so long! From the mouths of babes. She already knows that about herself. We are changing the faulty perceptions of this younger generation in our family, even though my grandchildren have all experienced multiple trauma events, we have been able to love and support them and “talk” about their pain and sadness.

I was widowed at 27 years old by this disease of addiction. Recently my nieces came to Orlando and we spent time remembering those early years of my marriage to their beloved Uncle and the early childhood of my children. We laughed and we cried and we Unraveled the history and put more puzzle pieces together. It was healing for my grown children because they were very young when their father died and had many unanswered questions. It was beautiful and spiritual and cathartic and led to more questions and more answers. And we “experienced, truly experienced” each other in those moments.

Now you may be wondering how this relates to the Great I Am. The more we process and resolve our pain “In the moment” the more we can experience our life in the present and not be prisoners to our pain or our past.

For years we have avoided the pain, the sorrow, the sadness, the anger, the grief, we have avoided LIFE in all it’s fullness. We will all experience Traumatic events; life becomes richer when we give ourselves permission to experience all of the myriad human emotions in the moment, knowing that pain will pass. That we can cry and weep and wail and snot with someone we trust AND we won’t die and the tears will come to an end. This is what we do for our clients. We witness and provide a safe and loving sanctuary for the work, we support , encourage and listen without judgement and we don’t have to have all the answers, we just have to be PRESENT.

When we can release pain and have resolution life becomes juicier….walking through fear is our challenge and the challenge we give to our clients as well. We MUST give this same gift to ourselves and find our own healing. I have never, ever spoken to a group of clinicians that couldn’t benefit from more healing in their life. We must be willing to do “Everything ” we ask our clients to do. Life gets juicier!

Blessings, Judy

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RUBICS CUBE, A MAZE, A JIGSAW PUZZLE….TRAUMA RESOLUTION

3/4/2014

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Working with the human condition is like trying to solve all of those puzzles… There is a reason for human behaviors that are difficult to make sense of, but our behaviors always make perfect sense when we Unravel our story. Each piece of the puzzle that we discover adds to the story and ultimately allows us to understand ourselves and others. We can become congruent like the Rubics cube matching in color on all 6 surfaces. We find the center of our Spirit just as we walk a maze to the center and a place of peace.

The most exciting however, is putting together that big jigsaw puzzle. Remember laying out all of the disassembled pieces with excitement of making the picture whole. Maybe a puzzle of a simple “block pattern” or a more challenging “Statue of Liberty”.

Some may lay out the outline, some may try to start with linking pieces that are most obvious and gathering them together; there is no right or wrong way to complete that picture, there is no good or bad, just the chance to understand the whole. The truly skillful trauma therapist has a multitude of modalities and interventions in their “tool bag” for exactly this reason.

The truly skilled therapist continues to explore and heal their own wounds and maintain resources and supervision for themselves. Trauma therapy is not for the faint of heart and EVERYONE has a story.

I think to discover the who and why, the what and how of our life is a journey that takes courage, resilience, compassion, desire to change, desire to understand,and willingness to stop the pain, despair, confusion and sadness. The most difficult part of this journey is that you often must experience those events again, often in great intensity. That is why it is important to have all of those qualities in place. We must pendulate between pain and resources and that pendulation allows the pain to be resolved in smaller doses using the many resources that we have and are often unaware of.

You can’t take this journey for anyone else but YOU and you must be clear about your reasons for taking the first step. There will be surprises and disappointments and angry spaces, as well as despair for a time but there will also be relief, understanding, excitement, joy and resolution and perhaps peace and perhaps an exciting new journey.

You may also discover that you can’t or won’t do it alone and that will be a healthy choice and I will direct you to those that can truly help. Many of you have been trying for a long time to understand the void, chaos or insanity or any of the myriad places you have gone with your pain. People need relief from fear, numbness and pain and when we find something that will soothe us it becomes a lifeline.

For those of us who are genetically pre-disposed to addiction, we will find relief with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, gambling and many other destructive behaviors. Why? Because at a time of fear/trauma we believed we were going to die even though logically as adults we know better. For children from conception to early childhood through adolescence, that can be a very different experience. Truth be told we are fighting for our life, for survival and whatever will soothe the fear or terror of the moment becomes our lifeline.

For many of us depression, anxiety or other mental health behaviors become a comfortable place after a time. At first the trauma takes us there but if we continue to experience the ongoing trauma reactions it is the place of uncomfortable comfort that we know and it becomes a kind of solace.

DEFINE

I am going to give you a very simple understanding of “trauma”. For some, a huge frightening word.

Very simply, trauma is any life event or series of life events or ongoing life events that create a negative impact on your life, that changes or distorts your vision of yourself and your place in the world.

Lets identify what some of those events or situations might be.

Abandonment and neglect are the most common and most devastating. Emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse. Accidents, fires, natural disasters, random acts of violence, financial concerns (too much, too little, sudden loss.) Divorce, adoption, bullying, domestic violence. Childhood medical or mental health as well as medical or mental health issues of adults or people close to you. Death and suicides of family members Grief issues Veterans, war, or having a loved one experience war or combat. And please remember the Intergenerational traumas we have spoken about in other blogs.

As you can see the list is long and many, many other things can be added. If your list has more then 2 or 3, chances are you have experienced PTSD at some time and that ” layers of trauma” have impacted “your vision of yourself and your place in the world”.

If you recognize that your life has been impacted by trauma please call and allow our staff to direct you to a resource for healing.

If you are a therapist and are experiencing secondary trauma as a result of your work please find a safe environment to do your own work. I can help direct you.

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Wounded Spirits

2/26/2014

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Sometimes I look over and see just a hint of a wistful breath, coming from her mouth, a longing in her eyes to be connected, to be loved, to be part of, to be like the others. Sometimes I can feel the yearning for her tribe, to be protected and taught how to BE. An overwhelming desire to be held, to be rocked, to be nurtured, to be Mothered and cared for. And often anger or depression follows.

Those are my people.

So often the eyes are distant, aching eyes and young, so young and wounded or so old and wounded, but never their chronological age. Sometimes I believe they are “old souls” who have experienced so much and been wounded to their very core. And sometimes they are like children, frozen in emotional, developmental time, the victims of events beyond their power. The healing sometimes comes too late, the damage is so severe, but for those that we can touch with love, caring, compassion and patience, the healing will come.

Those are my people.

Is there someone in your circle who is lonely and alone most of the time, or has “ADHD” or behaviorally challenged, or suicidal, depressed, anxious, often socially inept or bullied, drugs, alcohol, self-harming (cutting or burning) or eating disorders, (anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating), pornography or sex addiction, compulsive behaviors of all types. Anger and rage, sometimes seen as oppositional defiance.

Those are my people. Those are the children of trauma in grown up bodies.

Trauma is a big and frightening word, but in reality trauma is those events or systems that create a real or perceived possibility of death or harm. That is the standard definition, however, I believe trauma often is more subtle then that. Words hurt in a way that do incredible damage especially when supported by actions and behaviors that reinforce the message of the words.

Listen to the voice in your mind what are the things that you say to yourself, the “Inner Critic” may very well be more cruel and judgmental to yourself then you would ever be to anyone else.

Secrets in the family, that unspoken energy that is felt but never voiced. My people keep those secrets of what happened, who harmed them and those stories they tell themselves as an explanation for the events that have wounded them.

The families of my people, as most families, are secret keepers. The secret is to protect someone or a reputation or a way of life. Often, when the secrets are finally told, the pieces to a puzzle fall into place. Many times the acknowledgement of the secrets is followed by a “huge cleansing breath”; it finally makes sense.

Here is an example, Carol at 42 was in treatment again, crack and alcohol and other drugs, Any other drugs and men. There was always a relationship.

She was born to privileged family, Nana ruled the family. Carol “felt” lost and unloved most of life. Nana was cold to her, verbally abusive, dismissive, and she alienated Carol from the rest of her family. This began. When she was very young.

Carol tried to avoid the pain even in treatment by “acting out.” Some clients “act in” but almost everyone experiences relapses in behavior while in treatment to avoid re-experiencing the pain. No surprise and a juicy therapeutic opportunity.

What we discovered was that Carol already had the puzzle pieces, had found her parents marriage certificate dated AFTER her conception. Well in her rigid, fundamentalist, Southern grandma’s world Carol was a bastard child who created a moral dilemma for the family and consequently all Of grandma’s rage and disappointment was loaded onto The poor little girl. And that poor little girl never understand why she felt shame and never understood that it was not hers to own. And all the drugs or men would ever change that.

Now the healing could begin; the puzzle pieces were falling into place.

So when my people experience daily verbal abuse from someone who is supposed to love and care for and protect them, the message becomes so clear and so ingrained in the spirit of the child.” I am unlovable, defective, broken, worthless, a throw away.” So many damning beliefs. When that is ingrained in the spirit of a child, without help they bring that baggage with them into adulthood, into all their choices, into all of their relationships.

When my people experience early childhood medical problems it affects them the same way sexual abuse would affect them. Intrusive, a betrayal, violent, being restrained. being poked and prodded with strange objects, the loss of protection from their caretakers, enormous, unexplained pain, their body has betrayed them and so has everyone in their lives…that is their perception even when parents are doing everything possible to love and support, that is how it “feels”

It is important to know that as we move forward with our exploration of the effects of untreated trauma we must repeat this mantra:

“There is no right or wrong, good or bad, we are looking at “what is” and every person involved has a different perception of “what is”.

We often meet with families to discuss a triggering event or series of events and ALWAYS each family member has a different experience of the same event.

If you want to test this, go to a family dinner and bring up the topic of something you all experienced and have every one describe what it was like for them: you will be amazed at the sensory experiences, the different emotional landscapes and the judgment around those events.

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The LONELIEST Heart

2/19/2014

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Could the Beatles be right? “All We Need is LOVE”

From the first breath we need, crave, ache, cry for love, connection, nurturing, life fulfilling attachment, for our needs to be met. More than that, we will wither away and die without attachment to another; our Mother, Caregiver, the source of our life and if our body doesn’t wither away, surely our Soul does, our Spirit.

We hear the songs, the poetry… We will die for love, fight for love, walk miles for love, throw ourselves on a grenade for love, give up all that we have for love, swim the oceans for love, give up our Soul for love.

It is the juice of Country songs.

Look into the eyes of a newborn, there is a question, a searching for the truth, “will you care for me? Will you love me? Can I trust you?” It is Instinctual, built into our Survival tool box; babies are cute and cuddly, wonderful to hold, we coo and babble and make fools of ourselves for those little bundles of joy.

That is a survival mechanism hard wired into our humanness, into creation.

However, let me tell you a story, perhaps several stories in blogs to follow. They may resonate for you, they may take your breath away, they may make you cry or question the basic nature of humanity, they may give you pause but they will ALL offer hope and healing.

Be aware, these are stories of love and hope and spiritual connection, of grace and courage and dignity, these are stories that may make you cry and laugh and celebrate and perhaps find your own connections and purpose.

So please allow me to give you this gift, of love, belonging, acceptance and purpose…the basic needs of every human spirit.

Not an uncommon story- a little boy, 4 years old, he and 2 older brothers, 6 and 8 years old abandoned by a single mom taken by child protection, separated and left to the foster care system.

We read it in the newspapers, see it on the news. So sad! And we move on.

Well, like all such children, that abandonment becomes the most devastating trauma, the separation of siblings painful beyond understanding. As trauma is measured, abandonment and neglect far outweigh all others, even the most violent of traumas.

The message is clear. You are nothing, zero, you are a throw away child, you have no value, not worthy of time or attention OR they are battered daily with the messages….”I wish you weren’t born, you ruined my life, you are stupid, fat, worthless, lazy, ugly, helpless” and a litany of other messages that become ingrained in our conscious and our spirit and drive all future choices and behaviors. If you can unravel the trauma story all the behaviors and choices make sense…follow me and I will show you.

For one little boy, let’s call him Jacob, the message created a craving for love, for nurturing, for caring, a hunger for human touch that overwhelmed his whole body.

Can you relate? “Skin hunger ” is an ache for touch, not sexual touch but loving, connecting touch, touch that validates our worth. Infants die without touch. Adults wither without touch, rage without touch, become depressed or anxious or seek touch, any touch, in unhealthy, dangerous ways.

For Jacob, the little boy it was a craving as intense as any addiction.

He was taken into a Catholic orphanage with other boys cared for by lay caretakers of the church. Sexually abused between 4-7 by a male caretaker. This attention gave the message you are special, even though it was brutal and came with so many other negative messages; it was attention that Jacob craved.

Jacob was 7 year old and very ill with pneumonia and was taken to the hospital where the nurses really, really cared for him. Bathed him, fed him, touched him, talked to him, listened to him, comforted this little boy in ways he had never experienced before. They showed basic care and concern as would any good human being- Jacob was “hooked”.

There were many, many trips to the hospital. Much care and concern by the nurses and doctors. Everything felt like love, he had nothing to measure it against.

The Medical folks could not understand the bruises, the clotting, and the wounds on his legs. It was unfathomable that they could be self-inflicted but for Jacob the tradeoff was worth the pain. His need for love, attachment, connection was so huge that for many, many years he purposely hurt himself, beating his legs with hammers and bats and creating wounds and clotting that brought him repeatedly to the loving arms of the Nurses.

When we met Jacob, a large strapping man of 28, it was very clear how physically he had damaged himself and how emotionally and spiritually he had been damaged by others.

So this man- 6 feet tall, built like a stevedore – reacted in every other way like a 7 year old broken, wounded and very needy little boy.

The healing of Jacob and any other Jacobs requires clinicians to be loving, compassionate, empathetic, non-judge mental, patient and most of all to “listen” and “witness”. The process of trauma resolution is often slow with many steps forward and back, like a Magical dance.

Next week, we will talk about the Dance of Trauma resolution in its many forms. Sometimes a Cha Cha, sometimes a Waltz, sometimes a Quick step or a Tango but always, always a partnership and often with many different partners. I look forward to discussing the steps, the healing of Jacob and others.

Blessings, Judy

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Shine On

2/12/2014

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I am in awe of Marianne Williamson’s grasp of the Soul and Spirit and I offer you this gift…….

OUR DEEPEST FEAR by Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a Child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel Insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give othersI permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Someone asked me yesterday:

“What is the message that drives you?”. I ask that question of people all the time in my work. I help people to find that answer in order to change the path and direction of their lives by finding the “lie” in the message that has given direction to their lives, if there is a lie.

I have often said that my message was….” You will never be good enough”. Which is a message/ driving force for many, many people. However, yesterday I responded….”No, no, the real Message was:

“Who do you think you are?!!” 1st AND “You will never be good enough” 2nd

Now logically I understand that my Mother was raised that way, with that message as well. Seeing her at 85, I can see how much of her life and dreams she gave up or diminished in service to that message. A message delivered over generations by well meaning, fearful people.

My father, would tell me “you can do anything you want, even things that boys can do that girls are not allowed to”. This was the 1950-60s. We were 4 sisters, I was the oldest and he offered me that gift of confidence and hope. However, he only embraced that message for himself in his dreams and he had plenty of dreams. He was unable to translate that into his living, breathing life and it showed in his actions in his life.

It was watching my mother and father fall so far from their potential that was confusing. They lived in their own fear of their darkness and in their own way tried to protect me from my “light”…. “Who do you think you are?!!!” said with rancor from their parents, a kind of “how dare you reach for the stars.”

The thought of that really makes me sad because so many of us have operated in this life exactly like someone was standing over us with that shaming, pointing finger….”Shame on you!”

Those incongruent messages have played tug of war with my Spirit for many years, and the events of my life continued to support the push/pull of the messages. And I know I am not alone in this place.

Victim/Victor, Brilliant/Impaired, plain/ordinary, beautiful/ugly spectacular/ embarassing, graceful/clumsy, mature/immature, good/bad….it’s enough to make a child a little confused and unsettled. What is the truth and who do I trust to tell me the truth?

Well, I hope that as we move along together on this journey that we can become together a community, a TRIBE of Healing.

A long time ago, someone said to me, “We are not bad people trying to get good, we are wounded people trying to Heal.” that has become my Mantra.

WHERE ARE YOU IN YOUR LIFE? WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS and WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?

Marianne Williamson is a visionary, a healer and a talented teacher with a huge and deep depth of character. She has taken her history and turned into a life changing, world changing opportunity.

Nelson Mandela has used this brilliant and insightful “Deepest Fear” as part of his inauguration speech. Like-minded and kindred spirits intuitively grasp the truth of this inspiring paragraph.

What are the behaviors of yourself and the people around you that keep you in a place of fear, confusion, anger, uncertainty, flight, and sadness? What secrets are you or the people around you keeping because of fear, shame, remorse, guilt or a myriad of other reasons. When we bring those secrets to light they lose their power!

If you could talk about your pain to another trustworthy Person, could you heal and move on to your Light?

This is what I know, As Oprah says.

Everything, every event of our life, no matter how insignificant or momentous, affects the way we vision ourselves which affects the way we live our lives and what we believe about ourselves, from Conception to Death. Even more significant to this whole, is what is the history, the beliefs and the messages of the generations before us? And what do we offer the generations that follow us?

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Tree Of Life

2/5/2014

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The assignment of doing a Family Tree has long been used in Addictions to determine various addictions, codependency and family traits of the addict. You know, Hero child, mascot, scapegoat, codependent, comedian, plumber, parentified child. I made up the plumber role, but in my house that was an important skill to have. My father was a plumber and often left at least 1 part of the job undone or incomplete.

As it turns out a Family Tree is incredibly important to understand the width and breadth of Intergenerational trauma, as well.

In a study done by (Blanco, Levine & Kline, 2007) they were able to “trace a 5 generation account of the effects of violence on subsequent generations in South America that can be mapped onto the history of Indigenous Australia.” As I present their findings I think you will be able to see how this can be extrapolated to Native Americans and Indigenous people every where; with Aparteid and Slavery in the US. Also given any historical trauma how we could extrapolate behaviors, i.e. Consider the possibilities with children of the Depression and generations of soldiers and their families, sexual abuse survivors over the generations.

  1st Generation: “Conquered males were killed, imprisoned, enslaved or in some way deprived of their ability to care for their families.”

  2nd Generation: “Many men overused alcohol and/or drugs with resultant loss of cultural identity. Various cultures dealt with this issue in different ways;incarceration, confined to the reservation but in every case solutions/treatment was not provided.”

  3rd Generation: “Increase in spousal abuse, domestic violence, the breakdown of the family unit.”

  4th Generation: “Trauma begins to be re enacted and directed at the spouse and child; signifying a serious challenge to the family unit and societal norms.”

  5th Generation: “In this generation, the cycle of violence is repeated and compounded, as trauma begets violence through increasingly severe violence and increasing societal distress.”

So let’s look at other Family trees…my father grew up during the depression, extremely poor, often without food in a family of 12 children, only 6 lived to adult hood.

My father in law grew up during the depression as well, the only child of a single Momma, an immigrant from Italy.

The difference In the “Money Messages” and behaviors were very, very different. My father in law had an extremely intense work ethic, saved everything. In the basement were #10 vegetable cans filled with buttons, nails, screws, safety pins, aluminum foil; He saved everything…just in case. He and my mother in law had life and health insurance on everyone, just in case there was another financial disaster.

My father’s attitude was different in that he had a strong work ethic, but sometimes just “took off”… Just in case! It was very difficult for him to have a boss. He almost always worked for himself. He was a plumber. When he would have big payday he would celebrate and spend frivolously on the family…just in case there would be another financial disaster. Our financial life was very insecure…very good or very bad never “just right”.

I was the oldest child and had enormous shame about our poverty, I hated being dependent on anyone. I worked from the time I was 11; the first in my family to go to college; all of my children have graduated from college and are professionals. I am a “Dreamer” and I dream big. I have been very Blessed that our Inter-generational trauma, including addiction, has been intervened on.

My in laws were always secretly secure, protecting the family but always “crying poor” as my mother in law used to tell me; that’s family business.

The issues are NEVER about money; they are about fear, insecurity, shame and guilt, grief and loss and low self-esteem.

If I can offer some wisdom that I have discovered working with families…telling the story, answering questions, describing family history is so valuable to healing. In the beginning it may be unsettling, may create angst and fear, however, there is incredible enlightenment when puzzle pieces fall into place.

I worked with a family, the son an alcoholic who had been sexually abused by a neighbor, and his sister had as well. This young man relapsed several times…everyone in the family worked with a therapist and attended every family week. I worked with them at least 30 hours as a family. We were at the last session, the last 15 minutes and Mom turned to us and said, “I need to tell 1 more secret. I was molested by my father, your grandfather.” Gasps all around the room. Mom continued, and said, ” my brother, your Uncle was also molested and I used to protect him by putting myself in front of him. This continued for 5 years.”

The family was astounded, Dad exploded, “that explains our intimacy issues after 40 years.” The daughters shared, ” that explains why our Uncle has emotional problems.” And our client described the quiet shameful sexual energy that overwhelmed him when his sexual abuse happened and how big the secret became.

So I hope we can help our families to heal these wounds and stop the Intergenerational trauma one generation at a time. One secret at a time, creating a Family Tree that shelters and embraces the Family.

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THE DEEPEST SOUL WOUND

12/18/2013

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During this most joyful of holiday seasons we often see the overwhelming antithesis of joy; loneliness, sadness and even despair. The deepest and most harmful of traumas are ABANDONMENT and NEGLECT. The pervasive constant message that an individual is not worthy of care and attention, that no one is really available or willing to care and nurture you.

As loving, spiritual beings reaching out to one another can truly make a difference for another person. The holidays are so very painful for many, many people. And we do make a difference for one another when one heart connects with another or when we touch the wounded heart of the child within.

I love Facebook because my page is really inundated with news of our amazing Alumni. I am astounded at the lives that our Alumni have created including marriages, babies, new careers, strong recovery programs, healthy relationships and new and exciting ventures and adventures. My excitement stems from remembering how wounded and broken, hopeless and despairing they were when they admitted to The Refuge.

So many children are lost emotionally and spiritually at the time when they most need care. Often not held, hugged or celebrated; not applauded with kind and encouraging words or given positive regard and encouragement. And who are these children in their adult form?

At the core of trauma is the belief that your survival is at risk; at its deepest level being abandoned and/or neglected is life threatening. Every infant instinctively knows they are dependent on the loving kindness of a caretaker. Abandonment and neglect comes in many forms:

§ The single parent who is doing the best they can raising “latch key kids”.

§ The adopted child who is raised by wonderful, loving adopted parents but has a core message, ” Something was wrong with me, I was thrown away”.

§ The child who is daily given negative messages that they are less then, not good enough, fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, not worthy of the air they breath.

§ The child who experiences any kind of abuse or bullying. The parent might not even know but the child is unprotected and feels it at their core. What a huge and painful price we are paying today in the many “shootings” that are happening by lonely, bullied children who move into the “mentally ill”.

§ The parents who are busy working, not emotionally available, or in their own abusive relationship or addictive behaviors. Children learn from parental behaviors.

§ Often the children of affluence who have caretakers other then their busy, unavailable parents.

The list is long and endless, scenarios that create the energy of neglect, of abandonment.

We are not talking about just malicious abandonment and neglect, there is plenty of that, but we are talking about unawareness, pre-occupation, an inability to recognize the human pain a child is experiencing but unable to verbalize.

When I ask folks to identify traumatic events in their life abandonment and neglect seem the most harmful and pervasive, they set up a pattern of survival behaviors that make perfect sense when you Unravel the Trauma story.

The overwhelming emotion that these folks experience is loneliness. I guarantee that if you look around in your social circle and you are mindful, you will recognize these folks. The greatest gift would be kind and loving words, inclusion, an awareness of the wounded child within, this season.

Our clients overwhelmingly report that the most important part of their healing was the constant love, compassion, care and validation of the goodness and worth of their spirit and that we never gave up on them, no matter what.

So when I go to The Refuge Facebook page and see hundreds of comments from alumni and professionals who have done the deep trauma work and changed the direction of their lives, I cheer and applaud and thank God for a loving, committed staff who have directed the healing process. The biggest and best payoff is that synergistically, spiritually we help to change the energy of the world around us to a loving, healing space.

Happy Holidays, “In this season of Miracles please see the Miracles all around you.”

Blessings, Judy

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Judith T. Crane

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